On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of ski-ing.

 

Bill feared his wife Jan wasn't  hearing as well as she used to and he thought she  might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the  problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking  tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet,  then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, Jan is in the  kitchen cooking dinner, and Bill was In the den.  He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see  what happens.  Then in a normal tone he asks,  'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So Bill moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Jan, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. The heart issue required surgery, and while she was on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

When she saw God she asked: "Is my time up?"

God replied, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

So when she recovered from the heart surgery, she stayed in the hospital and had a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth.